I wasn't feeling lucky yet.
In a blur of days and nights and midnight feedings and diaper changes, loads of laundry and lullabies later, the girls were several months old before I started to feel I knew them individually. I remember feeling sad about this, like it was taking a long time to bond with them. Having two new babies is very different than having one. A new addition to a family can feel stressful. Adding two infants at once feels completely overwhelming.
Scrolling through pictures on my phone from the time the girls were born until now is like a movie of someone else's life, filled with moments of struggle and moments of triumph. I've been stretched in ways I couldn't have imagined as a person and a mother. I have cried tears of frustration and desperation. I have learned so much about myself and about my children and about coping. Another twin mom I follow on twitter (Arwen Mosher) once tweeted, "When I had twins it was God saying, "No, you can't do it without me." And every day (hour minute) I have to trust that grace."
I know exactly what she means.
This morning, as I write this post on their very first birthday, I realize that I've been kind of holding my breath for an entire year. From the moment we found out they were twins, things have been multiplied - the joys as well as the stresses and challenges. Everything about twins, to me, seems amplified. Parenting multiples is like parenting one child at a time, kind of...just a lot more intense.
When I go to get the girls out of their cribs this morning in just a few minutes, they will be one-year olds. The first year was hard...and we survived. Today, I feel like I can finally exhale.
And yes, I feel really, really blessed.
On to the next set of adventures.